Next Stop: My Life

I thought about jumping from the window. I thought about what would happen if a car hit me or if I fell down a flight of stairs. I thought of all the ways that would take this pain away. How selfish of me, I know. I FUCKING HATE YOU RIGHT NOW! :( How can you honestly believe that you aren’t hurting me? How can you act like nothing in the world happened. HOW CAN YOU GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? how could you ditch me…you left me alone. I was abandoned today. I want to die. 

Juan called. But it wasn’t him. I should have known. He NEVER calls me just because. It was our other friend. Turns out Juan doesn’t work Wednesdays. He just never talked to me. Funny how much this fucking hurts like a world beyond hell. I thought you were supposed to love me. What is this? What have you become? 

I tend to do quite a bit of complaining. And yet I am sitting here too frightened to change. I am too scared to say what is on my mind because the end result is unknown. So here I am, sitting at my laptop documenting every feeling (though it is mainly the lows) on a hidden blog because the people directly involved can NEVER know how I really feel. That is so mature of you Alyssa. Well, I’m naive. I refuse to grow up entirely. I need something to cling to.  The other day at dinner I sat there quietly. I ate my bowl of cereal, my half a grilled cheese, and regular glass of water in complete silence. NO ONE NOTICED. My best friend was silent once she finished dinner and everyone was quick to ask what was wrong. I began thinking that maybe if I was silenced for good no one would miss me. No one would say anything because no one cares. But here’s the thing, I need them to care. At the very least, I want them to.  Is this a reflection on me as a person? Am I so ugly on the inside and out that people wish to stay clear of me? What exactly is it that repels people? Why is that everyday is a painful struggle. Everyday is one agonizing moment to get through before I am able to breathe on the weekend. The days I see Juan are the days everything is right with the world. He is the one capable of bringing me peace and serenity. I will be okay. I am okay. So what do I do? This weekend is my beautiful sister’s 17th birthday. I’m going home to celebrate it with my family, whom I have not seen in four weeks. I tell my roommates so that they are aware of my absence. You know how they will be spending their weekend? At Six Flags with my best friend and her siblings, who I have grown up with. I feel like she is encroaching on my life. She is taking everything. I am no longer the best friend of 15 years. I’m just another person in the world. I am worthless. I am useless. I have no clue why I go here. I am so unhappy.